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Yep. All I do need is a miracle.

Two weeks to go.
I don't even know what to write any more.

The upshot is that I basically need divine intervention to save me now.

And for an atheist that might just be a step too fucking far.

Down I go...

It's only money...
What the fuck do I care?

I'm dead already.

Freedom '16.
I don't want much.

Freedom from these people.

Freedom from having a fucking heart attack whenever I hear them climbing the stairs

Freedom from the feeling of dread every time my phone rings and it's them.

I feel their menace and viciousness all around me.

Freedom from worry, freedom from doubt. At least for the foreseeable future.

Somewhere else, someplace good.

Where I can wake and fall asleep feeling a modicum of contentedness.

To be free to help others. To devote myself to their cause.

To be free of pain, to be free of sorrow.

To be free of these evil, corrupt people.

Free to live and free to love.

Oh god in one fell swoop I want so much to be free.

I'm so close.

I'm so close.

I don't want much.

Rollins Band 'Disconnect'. My anthem.

Don't like to think too much, it makes me think too much,
It keeps my mind on my mind
Don't wanna see too much, it makes me see too much
Sometimes I'd rather be blind

All the things that they're saying and doing
When they pass me by it just fills me up with noise
It overloads me
I wanna disconnect myself
Pull my brain stem out and unplug myself
I want nothing right now

I want to pull it out
Yeah, I want to pull it out, yeah
I wanna break it all down, hey, I wanna pull it out
Yeah, yeah, disconnect myself, disconnect myself
I wanna see it go down, yeah, disconnect myself

A thousand miles an hour going nowhere fast
Clinging to the details of your past
Talking 'bout your damage and you're wasting my time
Wanna be the king of pain then stand in line
All the numbers and the colors and the facts
Backed by the rumors and the figures and the stats
I think I'm gonna download my mind

I wanna pull it out

I want to pull it out
Yeah, I want to pull it out, yeah
I wanna break it all down, hey, I wanna pull it out
Yeah, yeah, disconnect myself, disconnect myself
I wanna see it go down, yeah, disconnect myself

I wanna disconnect myself, do it
I wanna disconnect myself, get it
I wanna pull my brain stem out, do it
I wanna disconnect myself right now

Too damn bad if at the end of the day the only thoughts in your brain are all the things that they say
What a waste
Too damn bad if at the end of the line you got no idea of what's on your own mind
You got no one to blame but yourself
Too much to know, too much to see
It might mean something to you but it's nothing to me
Just another ad for someone's version of how they think it should be

I wanna disconnect myself, pull my brain stem out and unplug myself
I want nothing right now,
I want to pull it out

Yeah, I want to pull it out, yeah
I wanna break it all down, hey, I wanna pull it out
Yeah, yeah, disconnect myself, disconnect myself
I wanna see it go down, yeah, disconnect myself
I wanna break it all down, yeah, disconnect myself

(no subject)
"They're gonna blow my fucking head off. This is the last chance I'll have to be pretty."

Mad August.
Like literally out of its head mad August.

Think of the basic needs you have in life. A job and a home would be close to the top of your list. This month I have lost both.

If you would have told me at the start of the year that these two events would have happened before the end of 2016, I would have said you were mad. Yet here I am.

This month I have been let down by two institutions I thought I had a reasonable, outside chance of relying on resulting in a whirlwind of shock and the very worst surprises possible. The inevitable depression of the situation has been overtaken by my amazement at this turn of events.

Why me? Perhaps the question I should be asking is "why not me?".

I know who have let me down. They know they have let me down. But I bear no ill will towards them.

And shoot me, but I still have hope. Dumbfuckery of the highest order perhaps, but my recent experiences have taught me that life can change in an instant. For better or for worse.

Maybe I should play the lottery? At this rate who knows what might happen...

Go West, Nik Kershaw, T'Pau, Cambridge Corn Exchange.
Don't fucking judge me!

So an evening of eighties pop paradise was had by all last Saturday night. The gig had the feel of a revue show as the backing band stayed the same as the main members of Go West and Nik Kershaw and took turns to belt out the hits after a rousing opening set by Carol Decker of T'Pau.

Things I learnt from the gig:

1. That British eighties pop stars don't take themselves as seriously as their American contemporary counterparts. They know it's a bit if a laugh and that they're not saving the fucking world.

2. Far from scented lillies and rose petals in the toilet, their riders probably consisted of a few biscuits and some beer. And they were probably over the Moon with that.

3. Nik Kershaw is an awesome guitarist. And Carol Decker from T'Pau is just as pretty as I thought she was as a ten year old watching Top Of The Pops.

4. 'King Of Wishful Thinking' by Go West is one of the best soundtrack songs ever. And 'Pretty Woman' was a kinda subversive film when you think about it.

5. Dressing all in black like a member of Metallica at a pop gig, as I did, makes one feel a tad self-concious.

And you know what? It was mega. So fucking there!

Europe/Black Star Riders, Cambridge Corn Exchange, 11th March 2015.
The last time I went to a gig at the Corn Exchange was nigh on seven years ago. Not much has changed at the venue refreshingly, apart from more people recording bits of the gig on various devices. I include myself in this of course.

The gig itself was a double headliner between the two bands. Black Star Riders went on first, a band that used to tour as Thin Lizzy (with erstwhile Almighty front man Ricky Warwick stepping into Phil Lynott's boots) but changed their moniker to the gang lead by Kurt Russell in Tombstone. A wise choice methinks. No band has ever survived the death of their lead singer of course.

So the Riders' set was a deft mixture of original material and Lizzy barnstormers like 'Rosalie' and of course 'The Boys Are Back In Town'. The assembled masses went for it like they were listening to the best pub rock band in Britain. Which in a way they were, albeit one that has received deserved recent airplay on that grand bastion of beige, BBC Radio 2.

Europe were a surprise to me in more ways that one, and all of them pleasant. First of all, I thought there were more of them and maybe that's testament to their fat rock sound that millions know so well even if they swear they don't.

Secondly, the new material off their new LP (of which I had only heard the title track prior to the gig) is delightfully grungy, the kind of album a band that was stadium-sized in the 80's made when Seattle broke big in the early 90's. Great, in other words.

And last but by no means least, the fact that Joey Tempest is one hell of a front man in the classic mode, interacting with the audience like he was playing their living room, creeping up on band members playing air guitar and engaging us in chat like we were propping up the bar like two old buddies.

It was a night of unashamed rock n roll abandon, a big 'fuck you' too the too cool for school set and although Europe didn't play 'Prisoners In Paradise' or 'Carrie', owing more to the shortened sets of both bands to conform to the double headliner rule, a great time was had by all.

And yes, I was humming the synth riff to 'The Final Countdown' all the way back to the hotel.


Oh yes. This is my jam...

And why do I? Its not as if I intentionally go out to screw things up. I wake up and it just... happens all by itself.