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The blues...
I've always been suspicious of blogs being used as forums for innermost feelings. So I guess this is a 180 as the Americans would say.

I'm having a pretty weird time at work. Its not that my job is boring, its in a very interesting sector, I meet new people all the time and no one day is the same as the last or the next. Its just... I'm very indifferent to it. I neither love it nor loathe it. I just... feel it if you know what I mean. I know its there. It is an entity. I am aware of it. That's about it.

If I felt people had confidence in me to do the job maybe I'd feel different, and maybe I'm doing super duper well, but there's a lot of "me-time" with the job where you're left to your own devices (very unusual for me) and in that time you begin to wonder a bit. Wonder if you're not just fucking up most of the time and people don't want to say anything because it'd be a pain in the arse to sack you then hire someone else and train them from scratch.

It doesn't help that I was third choice for my job either. That'll dent your confidence! No matter how well people say, or you think, you're doing that gnaws away at you. That there are at least two other people that the firm thought were far better suited and would have rather employed. I just happened to be the last sap standing, the one they had to employ or spend more time and money on advertising and going through the rigmarole of background checking. The hit-and-hope.

However well people say I am doing or however many times they thank me for doing something, I'll always be the one they didn't want. In fact, the one they really didn't want after the one they didn't want. I guess in that case its their own fucking fault, what do they expect from the third string? In that way my conscience is clear.

And I've noticed something else. Due to this subconscious (or not so subconscious) feeling of inadequacy, I make little errors where I should know better and they further smash what little self-confidence I have built up. Like today for example, I made a stupid mistake that 99 times out of 100 I wouldn't make. One for which I expect some kind of warning. Right? The next few days should be a barrel of laughs.

Quite frankly, I will be absolutely staggered if I last until the summer without them finally deciding to cut their losses and take their chances with someone else.

Is it just me or was life so much simpler when I was an irretrievable drug addict?


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