The blues...
I've always been suspicious of blogs being used as forums for innermost feelings. So I guess this is a 180 as the Americans would say.

I'm having a pretty weird time at work. Its not that my job is boring, its in a very interesting sector, I meet new people all the time and no one day is the same as the last or the next. Its just... I'm very indifferent to it. I neither love it nor loathe it. I just... feel it if you know what I mean. I know its there. It is an entity. I am aware of it. That's about it.

If I felt people had confidence in me to do the job maybe I'd feel different, and maybe I'm doing super duper well, but there's a lot of "me-time" with the job where you're left to your own devices (very unusual for me) and in that time you begin to wonder a bit. Wonder if you're not just fucking up most of the time and people don't want to say anything because it'd be a pain in the arse to sack you then hire someone else and train them from scratch.

It doesn't help that I was third choice for my job either. That'll dent your confidence! No matter how well people say, or you think, you're doing that gnaws away at you. That there are at least two other people that the firm thought were far better suited and would have rather employed. I just happened to be the last sap standing, the one they had to employ or spend more time and money on advertising and going through the rigmarole of background checking. The hit-and-hope.

However well people say I am doing or however many times they thank me for doing something, I'll always be the one they didn't want. In fact, the one they really didn't want after the one they didn't want. I guess in that case its their own fucking fault, what do they expect from the third string? In that way my conscience is clear.

And I've noticed something else. Due to this subconscious (or not so subconscious) feeling of inadequacy, I make little errors where I should know better and they further smash what little self-confidence I have built up. Like today for example, I made a stupid mistake that 99 times out of 100 I wouldn't make. One for which I expect some kind of warning. Right? The next few days should be a barrel of laughs.

Quite frankly, I will be absolutely staggered if I last until the summer without them finally deciding to cut their losses and take their chances with someone else.

Is it just me or was life so much simpler when I was an irretrievable drug addict?

Memoirs Of A Former Dope Fiend...
Thursday nights were the best...

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Ah shit. Its finally happened. I care.
Well I do. For years I have thought and cared about people that I have met in my life that society in general would perhaps look past or maybe, in their bullshit fascist image-conscious world, even pity. Oftentimes its people I haven't even met formally.

Like this couple that I see sometimes on my way into town. Obviously married and supported by our beautiful welfare state, for it seems that they are unable to work going on the times I have seen them. They seem happy enough, lost in each others' words as they slowly stroll back from shopping. They don't even know that it fills my heart with joy when I smile to them and they smile back. Or that I think about them often. But I know. That's enough for me.

Its not even a "championing of the underdog" thing. That would presume that there is some inevitable victory to come, and maybe there isn't. What I do know is that these wonderful people have had a seismic impact upon my life far beyond what the so-called "super-sorted" people I have met could ever fucking hope for.

I wish them every happiness, even at the expense of my own. I hope they find joy in their lives because they deserve every ounce of it.

(no subject)
"They're gonna blow my fucking head off. This is the last chance I'll have to be pretty".

Charlie Baltimore, 'The Long Kiss Goodnight'.

(no subject)
Ah depression my old friend. You've come to stay with me again...

My Top 25 Most Played tracks on my iPod.
I use Shuffle 90% of the time so any embarrassing ones, it's all the machine's fault!

1. The Space In Between - How To Destroy Angels.
2. Jet City Woman - Queensryche.
3. The Power Of Love - Gabrielle Aplin.
4. Ace Of Spades - Motorhead.
5. Rock City - The Yo-Yo's.
6. R.A.M.O.N.E.S. - Motorhead.
7. R.A.M.O.N.E.S. - The Ramones. (Yes, really. Both these two in a row).
8. Touch Me I'm Sick - Sonic Youth.
9. Crack In The Union Jack - Suede.
10. Runaways - The Killers.
11. Kayleigh - Marillion.
12. Earth Angel (Will You Be Mine) - Marvin Berry and The Starlighters.
13. Lucky - Radiohead.
14. Screamager - Therapy?
15. California Dreamin' - The Mamas And The Papas.
16. Born To Run - Wolfsbane.
17. Hold Me Now - Elastica.
18. Santa Monica - Everclear.
19. Oh My God - Guns N'Roses.
20. The Wicker Man - Iron Maiden.
21. Shining Light - Ash.
22. Zero - Smashing Pumpkins
23. Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want - The Smiths.
24. Personal Jesus - Depeche Mode.
25. Church Of The Broken Hearted - Ginger Wildheart.

Still, not a bad old list eh? With those two versions of R.A.M.O.N.E.S. in a row and the fact that my iPod once shuffled Underkill by The Wildhearts and Overkill by Motorhead back to back, I think it's become self-aware.
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Peter O'Toole? His nickname should have been Peter O'Coole.
On top of all the deserved accolades for his acting skills, he once apparently hired a bus with Guinness on tap and offered people a free drink and ride to the polling station if they voted Labour.

Nobody does eccentricity like Britain.

The perils of Facebook...
I like Facebook but I don't really use it as others may do.

One of the things I don't do is add people from my fairly distant past. It's nothing personal to them of course and if they wanted to add me I probably wouldn't add back. Blimey 'add back' is that even what you do? You can probably tell that I am not exactly au fait with this concept!

With regard to suddenly coming back into contact with people from my past via Facebook, I always remember the Jeff Goldblum character and his rhetoric from Jurassic Park about how humans and dinosaurs have been separated by millions of years of evolution and therefore suddenly bringing them back together isn't such a great Idea. Well people from my past and I have been separated by years of personal evolution and me adding them and saying 'hey' probably wouldn't work out so well.

I'm not saying that it's wrong, people I know seem to have a lot of fun with it, but it's just not for me. The thought of coming back into contact with people I haven't seen since I was 16 years old makes me shudder! I am a completely different person now. I was a completely different person when I was 17!

I love when people say 'there's a first time for everything'.
By the rule of this wonderful phrase, because the world has never been eaten by a giant cat it will be one day because 'there's a first time for everything'. And because Soviet tanks have never rolled through Melton Mowbray with the aim of 'freeing the noble pork pie from capitalist tyranny', its surely going to pass because 'there's a first time for everything'. And you know what? Though the Isle of Man has never invaded and conquered the continental United States it will one day because 'there's a first time for everything'.

But you have to keep positive. For while I have never kissed the forehead of Scarlett Johansson (or Emily Blunt for that matter, since you're asking) it will happen one day because 'there's a first time for everything'. Actually this one may come under the classification of 'stranger things have happened...oh no they haven't, not this strange'.

Neither has the Queen ever scored a spectacular bicycle kick in the last minute of added-on time to beat Germany in a World Cup Final but, you've guessed it, 'there's a first time for everything'.

Actually when you think about the theory that there are an infinite number of universes where different things have happened (me being born a pterodactyl for example) some of these things might actually have happened. Although I think is a theory about multiple dimensions not 'crazy shit theory'!

Tell me why! - I don't like Thursdays.
Okay bad Boomtown Rats reference! And maybe I don't not like Thursdays but am slightly peeved at them. These of course will be personal reasons for example: My mum died on a Thursday and my relationship with my dad took a rather unfortunate turn with a major disagreement on a Thursday. Today in fact.

But its not just me! The Europa League in football has become something of an inconvenience and that's played on a Thursday. October 24, 1929 was Black Thursday when when stock prices on the New York Stock Exchange tumbled and was the beginning of what became known as the the Great Depression.

'Thursday' is also the title of a 1998 movie (you can tell I just Googled this, right?) where a drug dealer that has gone straight and has a family and respectable job is pulled back into his former life. I'll bet that happened on a Thursday too!

And there's its place within the week. The weekend is of course the weekend, Saturday and Sunday. Monday is the start of the week, without Tuesday Wednesday can't the middle of the week and Friday is the end of the week. Thursday is the...I dunno. Payday for a lot of people I guess. So maybe I am giving it a raw deal at some level!

I suppose you've got to have a least favourite day of the week and this'll have to be mine!


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